Le Sigh

I feel sad right now. It didn't really start until just a few minutes ago.

The one thing about the internet that I really hate is the constant need to be connected with people all the time. Because of gmail chat and facebook, I want to tell my friends everything about my life immediately. I hate that about myself but I can't control it anymore. I know that it can be very overwhelming for my friends.

So in turn, I start to isolate myself from my friends as if that will help the situation. They can't be annoyed with me if they don't see me. But it is better to see them in real life than on the internet. I'm less negative and irritating or so I've been told.

I just want to feel close to my friends here again. How do I fix this?

Please, be my friend!

Arg.

I feel sad today.

Someone on waygook.org asked...

"How much will you/have you saved per year in Korea"

My response:
At the end of this year, I will have paid 4000 in credit cards, 1200 car loan, had surgery, paid for tickets to Italy and the US, and bought an ipad. I will still have about 8k when I leave. A good chunk will be spent in Europe on a 3 week tour but that will still leave me with a several thousand as start up back in the States.

I will have accomplished a lot in a year. Yay! My budget is totally worth it.

Work it out.

I hate exercising. I loathe it.

However, after finally getting a good look at myself in a full length mirror, I realized I must work out. I am really out of shape. Like "Britney Spears, post-second marriage, eating cheetos and red bull" out of shape. For the past 3 days, I have excercised. I've gone on at least a 30 minute brisk walk, done 50 lunges per session, 20 squats, jumped rope, and 10 minute "fat blaster" video that I downloaded off the internet. Oh, and full body stretches. I was sore yesterday but feel good today. My neighborhood is full of hills so I am going to do a 30 minute power walk on them every day if I have time. I may even start jogging, knees permitted, in a few weeks once I build up some indurance.

I just need to keep this up and I know I'll start feeling better. I need to make better food choices when I can. Less rice for lunch and less carbs and fried food for dinner.

Now I just need some descent ear plugs so I can get a good nights rest.

What's in a name?

It is no secret that I don't like my first and last name.

I tried Ella instead of Angela, no dice. Too similar to Elliott. I thought about going by Marie but I don't think that really fits me at all. So I'm considering going by "Ana," dropping the "gel" part. I think it suits me. However, trying to convince my friends to call me that isn't going to be easy. Most call me Ang anyway, which I like. So I think that when I get back to the States and start my new job and life, I'll go by Ana. People that know me as "Angela" can still call me that.

I really want to change my last name because my last name right now is associated with so many douchebags. However do I really want to go through the trouble of changing my last name before I get married? I mean, I hope to be married some day and I don't want to have to change my name multiple times. I heard it is a bitch. It is hard enough getting my address changed.

So I guess Ana for now, last name later.

I fail at blogging.

I had such high hopes for this blog. I told myself that it was going to be easy. It isn't. I'd honestly rather write in my journal about my feelings and talk about them to my friends instead of posting them online.

I've been severely depressed this past month because of my mother. She stole my identity. I found this out right after I sent her an email telling her that she needs to be a better person in my life.

It has been hard. I've just felt so sad. On top of that, I had surgery and got a cold that lasted for 3 weeks. Not to mention a toothache. Man, when it rains, it pours.

Things are looking up though. The weather is getting nicer and work is becoming easier.

I've been feeling overwhelmed with certain aspects of my life so I've taken to cleaning recently. I have been obsessive about my bathroom. I think it is better than shopping and eating..although I did eat a pizza by myself last night. Not good. Not good at all. All my meals lately have been fried and bad for me.

After 7 months, I've resorted back to my hermit ways. I think to protect myself and my friends from the misery that I was feeling. I think the warm weather will help me break out of my shell again. I don't want to end up like my last 6 months in Bellingham with no one to hang out with besides Elliott.

Only 5 months left! 6 until I am home. This year is going by fast. I can make it.

Elliott-
Thanks for agreeing to spend the weekend with me! I'm really excited!

Day 5? 6?

Dear Elliott,
I am so amazed at how giving you are. To know that you'd move to New Hampshire so we could be close to my family for awhile really warms my heart. You are so awesome. I love you!

xoxo
Angela

Progress Report 1/18

I'm so glad we're friends in Korea! I couldn't imagine this experience without you. There are so many things I love about you it's hard to even remember the few vices we all have and struggle with. If there's anything you need, know that I'm only a crazy Korean bus ride away. You're the best! Stay that way! -Ann

I want to recognize you for Girl's Night last night. I noticed that there was little to no complaining about Elliot. In fact, you praised him and yourself for the progress you two have seen in each other over the last few days. I'm so happy to hear those things and, of course, all the poop details. -Kristen

Dear Mom:

When I look on Facebook and see that Morgan has denied my friend request, I now know that you and Krystal have something in common. If I don't give you what you want, you slander me to whomever will listen. I'm sure that Brook and Morgan now think the worse of me. I'm sure you have bitched about me to Viki and Tom. Maybe the kids should start talking about you the way you talk about them. You would think that after losing your own siblings, you would try to be the peace keeper for your children and help fix these broken relationships but instead, you seem to encourage these burned bridges.

There is no secret that I have a horrible relationship with my mother. And that I had a horrible friendship with my former best friend, Krystal. My mother has been hurting me for 25 years and today, I am going to let it go. Mostly because a) I'm better than this drama and b) I realized that I had been given a second chance with parents.

Dave and Lisa are the best parents I could ever ask for. They are extremely supportive and although we have different views about life, I feel like I could go to them for anything. I am really happy that I met them when I was 17 because I feel like we have a much stronger relationship and they only got the tail-end of my bratty self. However, they do realize that I'm a complainer but love me all the same. They just want me to be happy. I didn't know if I would grow to love them or just like them a lot. But I love them very much. It is nice to finally love and like your parents.

As for my biological mother, maybe one day we will grow to be civil but my life is too short to spend it fighting with her all the time. Obviously we can't find a middle ground so it is best to keep some distance. I really don't need to fight with someone when I live on another continent and a day ahead of them.

Day Three

Dear Elliott,

Thank you for realizing that I can't change overnight and that I'm trying. Breakfast was delicious! And past 3 days have been really good.

Love,
Angela

Day One

Dear Elliott,

Thank you for the 1,000 won this morning so I could buy some water for work. You are helping me make sure that my body is healthy.

Love,
Angela

Progress Reports for the week of January 10th

I want you to know that I truly believe you're a remarkable, strong person and you can be whoever you choose to be. We know this is a really hard time but we love you and we are totally here for you. -Court

I agree. You are a wonderful person and I think that probably needs to be something you tell yourself more often. Anything you need, don't hesitate to ask. You're not alone and we'll help and support you anyway we can. -Kristen

Ten Rules to Live By to Achieve ESFJ Success:

You can check find out your personality profile here. Then go here.

1. Feed Your Strengths! Let your talent for caring and giving spill out into the world around you, show your gifts to the world. Allow yourself to take opportunities to nurture and develop situations in your home and work environments which bring value for yourself and others. Find work or a hobby which allows you to realise these strengths.

2. Face Your Weaknesses! Realize and accept that some things are never going to be how you would like them to be. Understand that other peoples need to deal with the world regardless of how it seems. Facing and dealing with discord or differences in others doesn't mean that you have to change who you are; it means that you are giving yourself opportunities to grow. By facing your weaknesses, you honour your true self and that of others.

3. Discover the World of Others. Don't let yourself fall into the trap of thinking you always know what is right for others. Open your heart to the possibility of understanding that their true needs are something that must be discovered through a recognition that their view of the world might be very different, yet just as valid as your own.

4. Don’t be too hasty. Try to let things settle before you make a judgement, allowing others to discover the best for themselves while you try to see all the variables and contingencies in a situation.

5. Look Carefully at the World. Remember, things are not always what they seem on the surface. You might need to look deeper to discover the truth, particularly when it seems you are sure of your first quick judgement. There are layers of meaning and truth beneath everything.

6. Try to Let Others Take Some of the Load. By letting others make their own judgements, you are not letting things get out of control, but are validating their own need to be a part of your life. Remember, it is better to guide another to see your point of view than keeping them out of the picture.

7. Be Accountable to Others. Remember that they need to understand you and your needs too. Express your doubts and difficulties as well as your reasons and let them become partners to your goals.

8. Don’t Hem Yourself in. Staying in your comfort zone is self defeating in the end. Try to make every day one where you get out and discover a little something different about the world and others. This will broaden your horizons and bring new ideas and opportunities into focus.

9. Assume the Best and Seek for it. Don't wait for others to live up to your expectations. Every person has a goldmine of worth in them, just as every situation can be turned to some good. If you let yourself believe this, you will find yourself discovering ways to make it true for you.

10. When in Doubt, Ask For Help! Don't let your fears leave you on the horns of a dilemma or lead you into disaster. If you are uncertain of something or someone then get input from others who have greater experience in dealing with this difficulty.